outspoken.......

hope u just fine wherever u r...
i'm so sorry tht i hv to leave u...
im just... couldn't accept more and more rejection of ur love....
the word..."i love u" was hard enough for u to say it..
then.. this is it..
mybe this love has been wrong.. all this while....
since my age was still 17 years old..
i hv fall in love with you...
or mybe u just can't reallized even.... more...
accepting the first gift from you... the keychain..
was the most memorable thing in my life..
i couldn't sleep tht night..
each second u being far from me..
for the long journey and different path tht we've been through..
tht we always being connected...
i'll always thought there must be something...
something tht being planned from Him..
mybe.. it just the dream of myself..
i've been test with sickness...
disease tht i never asked...
that critical time....
u've been far from me... u enter university early than i am....
listening from my best fren..that u've been seeing someone...
at tht time was as if my heartbeat short for a second...
then i try to leave it in His hand...
thinking tht my disease was getting worsed than even i could imagined...
i leave u.... mybe tht the best for you... choose the more perfect than i am....
then we've being different path again...
the news tht u'll be on your journey to other country..
was the great news.. although i could not share the joy....
i'm lying in my bed in hospital... with a great granndmother beside my bed..
and she knew i've been crying along the night...
and somehow..we've been connected again...
haven't thought in my mind to proceed it.. coz i knew.. u have someone already..
then we met... with my brother as the bodyguard...
i just couldn't forget that moment in my entire life...
the first "date" with someone which is a guy...
never thought my umi will allowed it.. and she knew..she should give me a smile..
and i knew... mybe that is the first and the last time..
i seeing you..before u fly to another world...
i've been crying again.. that i should let u go..
although i knew.. ur heart wasn't me...
6 years....we've been through...
listening.. tht u hv left her... i'm sorry..tht i thought tht was a gud news...
but deep inside..i felt so sorry about her..
i'm just afraid..tht i could be the reason...
coz i've heard...u was almost being married to her...
although its painful... but i've try my best..
for u.. to get back to her...go and appeal more for another chance..
for ur love...a short glance in ur eyes.. i knew.. she still in ur heart..
i wonder how and how... i still proceed our frenship..
although a thousand time..countless time.. i'll try my best to left u alone...
then i knew u alone there...
in the weird country.. weird surrounding....
each eid.. tht u've celebrate it all alone...
i wish i'll be there...to accompany you..
then.. here again..after we met again after 6 years....
two hours... was more than enough for me..
to see you again... and it was the most "weird" date..
i dont know.. tht u'll come on tht day..
there's no such way to contact you...
i have reached there at 7 o'clock..
maybe i've being over excited.. coz i didn't slept the other night...
i just wnt to make it happen..oopps.. i lied to u.. tht i reached there at 9...
until it reach 10.... almost i'll make another move... to went back...
until i make a crazy thing.. crop ur pic..to save it..
i thought tht i couldn't recognized u..
wonder tht ur hair been so long.. like almost the korean actor hv...
wonder tht ur weight has been loss... without eating ur "mother" cook...
at first glance after 6 years.. u came...
thought this will last longer and even more...
on my 24th birthday...
again..u've been hurting me..
without any wish.. we've been arguing about ur past..
with her... the day i try to get know more about you..
i seen her... and you... celebrating eid..
was the most perfect picture i ever have..
and my birthday pass... again... without the wishes..
and cry what it takes to through the night..
then i left u again... and im sure.. u r just fine..
tsunami in the country u've been..such a dumbstrok to me..
being wondering..bout u... on the day of my besties married...
soon, with the feel as a friend...
we get connected again...
u... as always....
never been there as i've always wanted...
it just a false hope...u've seeing me...and each time...
it just pass.. with a false dream... false dream tht i created on my own...
u've knew all this..
all this while....
but again and again...u made me the tears fall over...
when u fought with her... or any tht make u felt uncomfortable...
here i am... playing my part.. the best tht i can...just to comforting u...
but instead.. when i'm lying there... with all the pain...
and im alone again...
why and why... u've been asking that i've been here.. all this while...
u never ask urself isnt it... "maybe she just fall in me"
i've been stay..like a doctor receiving the "on call" session..
who try to cheer u up, asking the condition u have, motivate u..
and when the session ended..it just ended there...
as such.. im just fail..fail to win the heart...
with the future...that u still..dont want to looking forward to have...
looking forward just to make me smile as u mean it all ur heart..
just to be there when im needed..
just as simple as replying my msg..."i miss u too"...could cheer up the day..
and i knew.. that am i asking too much from you.....
love..is a gift.. to be loved was also was a gift..
but im not lucky enough.. just to be loved....
by someone tht i love..
how it feels..when someone that u love ask urself...
go...go and find another love...u should together...
dont u.. ever imagine.. that was the most hurt urself??
u seem accusing me...being cheated to you... altough all this while..
u that one... who playing the game?
too much i've shown the love... as single one..u never try to look on that...
u got back here...and proceeding the journey there...
i wish u just here...and u seem mad at me.. when i make a phone call direct to ur house... as it such a biggest crime that i ever make..
im just sick... only seeing the comment.. i knew u've been here...
listening on ur voice that u safely arrived...
again u just said..dont ever think too much of you...
if i'm think so much of urself.. i didn't pass my journey here..
i knew myself..to be obligated the responsbility as a student..
crime isnt it??? this love???
u will be back again next time..but until when... this will proceed like this...
without the affirmation from u...that im the one you will looking forward to see..
planning just to see me... after this while... u unable to decide it to make it happen...u just being so unsure... about everything...
i never ask you.. who were ur friends....
i never ask you.. what u up to..
i knew that i need to giving u space...space to feel free...
and i knew myself...wasn't perfect enough...just to be with...
each time.. i just could not lied myself..been hurt..
whenever u get connnected to another gurl..
this is it... right??? no matter..how and how... it still happened..
no matter i'll try to leave u..
u felt nothing isn't it... u can simply find the replacement...
and just to make it happen.. maybe i just need to lose in this game..
deep inside that u'll find me.. it couldn't be happen...
maybe u r not destined for me..
and i just need to learned accepting the fate..
fate that always is...
and im thought tht i hold on something..all this while..
i just need to sit back.. think it over..
i dont have enough courage anymore... to feel it only in the surface...
i knew myself..i reallized myself..tht u'll be better more without the imperfection of who i was...
i try to mad at you..but the way i am..it doesn't feels me..to keep the hatred..
to add up the sins by creating hatred among the religion tht we hold..
it just not ur fault.. im just fall...without u to let me in....
i just have to learn it by myself...
to appreciate what were in front my eyes..
the air that He give...that made me still able to breath..
a lot of test.. He have gave me...even bloody tears couldn't change it...

menginsafi diriku yang hanya hambaNya.. yg serba dhaif..
mungkin itu yg sepatutnya berlaku..

i knew u'll be just fine..with and without me..
and im sure..there are someone there.. just next to u...
forgive me... to let it outspoken here...
only in this blog.. makes me feel better...
maybe u r..or u r not reading all these...
but im just glad... i let it out...
u r out there..somewhere..somehow...i just can wish u to smile..
i've seen the happiness.. surrounding the people tht i love..
maybe thats more than enough..
im sorry..if there's time that i miss you,,,
mybe tht will be a short glance..gift from Allah..
just proceed ur life..
im sorry...if i never be good for you..
if i burden you..all this while...
im so sorry.. with all the interruptions of your beautiful life there...
or even sometime im making u misguided..
take care.. we just frens.. a good frens.. that u always mentioned..
im sorry if i leave this frenship... in the Allah's hand..
only that i left..
and if my life ends today...
i relieved to let it out...
dont worry bout me.. i'll try to learn.. as always i've been learned to live...
its hurt..but this is the best...
i left.. i loose... and u win...
being the third party.. was not going be good for evryone..
take care... AA..